


Candy and Commecialism

by argyle4eva



Series: Wise As Serpents, Innocent As Doves [12]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Humor, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Other, ineffable valentines, ineffablevalentines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22556728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argyle4eva/pseuds/argyle4eva
Summary: A discussion is held concerning the provenance of Valentine’s Day.Written for Mielpetit/mielpetite'sIneffable Valentines prompt list, Day 5 - Hearts/Candy Hearts.(This is part of a planned series of Ineffable Bureaucracy fics; this installment jumps ahead to the point where Gabriel and Beelzebub have begun to settle into a friendship. The series, “Flies and Pigeons,” is set in the same universe as “Wise as Serpents,” with Gabriel and Beelzebub taking over for Aziraphale and Crowley on Earth.)Drifting a little from the Ineffable Husbands aspect of the challenge, but when I got a really solid couple of plotbunnies for this pairing, I shrugged and went with it. I’ll un-tag if needed . . .
Relationships: Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Series: Wise As Serpents, Innocent As Doves [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1535606
Comments: 9
Kudos: 26
Collections: Ineffable Valentines 2020





	Candy and Commecialism

“Oh, good Lord, would you look at what he’s wearing?”

“For Satan’s sake, what’s he thinking?”

“Not much, it looks like.”

Mutual sniggering from an angel and a demon who happened to be sharing a park bench while on their coffee break, commenting on the fashion sense (or lack thereof) of passers-by.

At least, Gabriel was having coffee (today’s special at his usual establishment: hazelnut cherry mocha, in honor of the impending Valentine’s Day holiday; Gabriel was thinking about getting another). Beelzebub, Prince of Hell, was munching on candies from a cellophane tube instead.

Gabriel glanced over, recognizing the package. “Is that those ‘love hearts’ that are everywhere right now?”

“Yeah. Want one?” The tube was offered, with a hint of challenge.

Gabriel was not one to back down, especially since he figured Beelzebub would have poisoned him long ago if that was zir goal.

He held out a hand, and Beelzebub flicked a candy onto his palm. Before he could read the original inscription, the imprinted words twisted into, “Eat me, loser.” Gabriel pretended not to notice, and popped the candy in his mouth.

He bit down, chewed, and experienced a total rebellion of both taste buds and texture sensors. He grimaced, and swigged coffee in self-defense. It took three rinses to wash the nasty chalkiness away.

He swallowed one last time, and said, with feeling, “Dear God, those are _vile_.”

“Yeah,” Beelzebub told him, grinning. “I love ‘em.” Ze popped another candy into zir mouth and chewed happily.

“Brrr.” Gabriel shook himself, trying to remove the sensory memory. “Those have to be something your side invented.”

“Could be, I wasn’t in on the planning session. The holiday, though, _that’s_ ours.”

“What, you mean Valentine’s Day? The celebration of Love? Excuse you, that’s _ours_. By definition.”

“Maybe in the beginning. It’s Hell’s favorite day, now.”

“Bullshit.”

“Look around,” Beelzebub told him, all smugness. “’Love’ has turned into commercialism. Buy, buy, buy. Awful candy, everywhere, and it still sells like mad. The _requirement_ to buy things, to prove your ‘love.’ An infinite number of ways to disappoint other people. Not to mention some people have turned ‘love’ into nothing but lust, which translates into cheap sex toys, subpar lube, ugly lingerie and poorly-designed butt plugs that everyone feels they have to buy, too.”

“Ugh, thanks for _that_ mental image.”

“You’re welcome. Seven percent of relationship breakups happen on Valentine’s Day, too – which isn’t trivial.* It’s like a Superbowl party down in Hell.**”

“No. Love belongs to Heaven, and Heaven alone. Love is real,*** and I stand by that.”

An eyeroll. “Check the stats tomorrow, and we’ll see who’s right.” Ze ate the last piece of candy, crumpled the wrapper, and let it fall from zir hand onto the ground. “Break’s over, back on the clock for me.”

Ze shifted zir weight, and Gabriel reflexively asked, “Netflix tonight? We still have a few episodes of ‘Next in Fashion’ in the queue.” That series had been their nightly wind-down watch since it premiered.

“Nah. I’m going to be ruining Valentine’s Day for people at a fancy restaurant tonight.”

“Really? I haven’t gotten any orders to thwart you.”

“That’s because Heaven’s intelligence couldn't find its arse with both hands. If you feel up to it, I’ll be there at eight.” Beelzebub didn’t give a location; Gabriel, being of messenger stock, didn’t need it. His gifts would take him wherever he needed to go, so long as he knew who he was meeting.

“Damn right I’m up to it.”

“Then see you later, loser.” Beelzebub gave him a dismissive half-wave, and stalked off through the park.

Gabriel picked up the candy wrapper, threw it in the trash with a shudder, and resumed his mid-day jog. There was evil afoot, and he had a date with it.

Strictly in an thwarting sense, of course.

( _To be continued . . ._ )

* Beelzebub cites breakup stats from this article, which is admittedly American-biased, but I needed numbers from somewhere: <https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2019/02/06/valentines-day-breakup-relationship-dating>

** Good Omens may be very, very British, but if you think Valentine’s Day **isn’t** the Superbowl of Hell, you haven’t been paying attention to either the Superbowl **or** Valentine’s Day.

*** Gabriel inadvertently quotes Chuck Tingle here, which would annoy Gabriel to no end, but I think the point still stands.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if British love hearts are anywhere near as awful as American conversation hearts (I sure hope not), but I figure they're they same class of confections, and Gabriel would find both of them distasteful.
> 
> "Can't find [one's] ass with both hands" may be a blatant Americanism, but I'm writing these on a tight time budget and didn't have a chance to research the idiom properly. Besides, Beelzebub is a demon, and even if ze has a British accent, ze isn't technically British (any more than Aziraphale is).
> 
> The time budget similarly defeated my ability to properly embed footnotes in HTML. I'll get it one of these days.


End file.
